That day in Monterrey, my life changed. I had Betty Sue’s Mustang, most of her life savings, and the grandiose dreams of a cocky nineteen-year-old. Through the years, there would be other Betty Sues. They are as much a part of the story as anything. Mexico does something to people, including engorging the libido. Julian took me to a big, ugly warehouse where every conceivable type of crap made in Mexico was for sale.”Here’s the artist’s room, he said with pride. Cool, I thought. Artists. That’s the ticket.

I envisioned an enclave where serious students were making murals or painting the anguished soul of the country on canvas. With a flourish, he pulled back a dusty tarp in one corner of the dim building. Before me, at several tables, were the artists! They didn’t look up as we entered. The first table had a huge roll, seven feet wide and a hundred yards long of black velvet! As the “artists” unrolled it, they snipped, and the piece was whisked down the line to the next artist. They were a marvel, those artists. The age of specialization and assembly line had joined there in that dusty room.

One intent student painted the head of Elvis, while another, farther down the line, working on The King’s torso. As Elvis rolled down the line from craftsman to craftsman, his head joined his body, he was clothed in his most gaudy costumes (including a bullfighter’s, with stretched tight toreador pants and a suggestive bulge in the middle), and finally given a guitar. Now that was art!”How do you like it, Miguel?” Julian smiled even bigger than in his stall. The first rule about knocking around Mexico is never to offend if you can help it. While this stuff was garbage to someone with my highly developed sense of aesthetics, to others, it was indeed art.

“Impressive,” I managed to blurt“You bet. And what’s even better is the price. Do you know how much these things sell for?”In truth, I didn’t. I had prided myself on not knowing. “No,” I blurted.”$40! Imagine that! Forty U.S. dollars.”I swear I saw his eyes gleam and their mist over at the thought of all those deprived Americans who had $40 but not the opportunity to buy these objects d’art. Imagine that.

“Now, my friend, I’ve saved the best for the last. I can get all you want of these, and I don’t just mean Elvis. This is Tuesday. That’s Elvis’s day. Wednesday, we do Columbus’ ships on a moonlit ocean. It’s enough to make you cry.”I’m sure it is.”I was very near tears myself. “Friday’s we do Jesus with the bleeding heart, though sometimes we do Martin Luther King and the Kennedy brothers.””Hey, I wouldn’t want to miss that.”

I was about to cry. Julian lowered his voice to a conspiratorial whisper. AI can get these for you for only $6 and a $1 commission to me, of course.”Of course.”I started thinking. While they didn’t meet my elegant tastes and weren’t what I was sent to bring back, the profit potential was enormous. I knew this junk would sell in the French Quarter, back home in New Orleans. It would also mean I could take the next couple of days off, go to Horsetail Falls, get drunk, eat cabrito and get home soon. Whatever else I may have said about Betty-Sue, she could suck a golf ball through a straw, and I missed her sorely.”How about 50?” I said, feeling like a tycoon.

Julian dropped his eyes to the floor.“I thought you were a big-time importer. We usually only deal in hundred lots at this price.:Now we were talking about! This was what I loved about doing business here. This was what it was all about.”Well, friend, I could deal in much larger lots, but I want to ensure the quality I’m used to.”He grabbed my hand, pulled me over to the velvet roll, and rubbed it sensuously along the fabric. The cutter just missed my index finger.”Look, see the expression in the King’s eyes? Don’t they just follow you around the room, like in a fine painting?”I had to admit that they did seem to be everywhere, especially the right one, which was oblong and pink.”Oh, no, I don’t mean the quality isn’t the best, but I have other orders to fill and commitments. This is all I can handle right now.”

I turned to walk away.“If it’s too small for you, I understand.”Oh, mi amigo, Miguel, I have no wish to offend you. Perhaps we can make an arrangement. Say, $10 and my commission of $1.50, of course.”I clutched my heart. I showed shock in seven languages.”Do I look like I just rode in on a burro? Eight dollars and your dollar, no more.””Nine and a dollar and a quarter.”Eight fifty and a dollar.”Aw, Miguel, you are a good Mexican for a gringo. It’s a deal.”We shook hands, and I paid. One thing about Mexico is that when you buy an item, you also buy the people to pack it, get it to you, and a free show as they swing into action.

Never call these people lazy. When the work needs to get done, they scurry and hurry as men possess. We gringos think because we see men hanging around, doing nothing a lot that, the Mexican people are lazy. Truth is, there’s just not enough work. They got my fifty Elvis ready and carted them over to my hotel. It was the first of many such trips and importing acumen that would strain my relationship with Betty Sue and our bank account.

Later, this would come to a stinking head when I brought home a gross of wet goat fur cushions. I envisioned them as the perfect accessory for the car or office. The free world had other ideas. Fortunately, though, that evening, I was blissfully unaware of how ignorant I was and how a fool and his money seldom have a long-term relationship. That night, I was King of the King.